New Harmony

So much has happened in this last few months. Since the last post, we have moved twice. Chels and I moved first in with my Uncle Dan while we waited on the right timing to move again westward. Finally on November 10th, Chelsea and I boarded an Amtrak train for California and our new life with Ed.
The journey westward was tiring but exciting. It took us almost 3 days to get here and it was sure a good thing to be finally home. How amazing to see several eagles in flight in the canyons along the way. How appropriate to see the symbol of freedom as we moved on to freedom of our own.
Once we arrived in here, we started walking to the station and I heard someone whistling so I turned to look. There, at the other end of the platform was the love of my life, my sweetheart. What a joy to finally be able to look him in the eye and finally feel the touch of his hand!
It's been a busy couple of weeks now and a lot of walking but I'd not change it for the world. In some ways it seems like we have been a family for years and years. Chels and Ed have the biggest time together. It's a blast watching them have such a great time. The other day at the store, Ed was pushing Chels in her wheelchair and racing around the store. Several people were laughing at their antics.
Each day now is a celebration. Sure we have challenges and there are adjustments that we each have to make, but it is amazing to me the ease in which we all have grown so close.
I'm thrilled to be here with the man I never even dreamed could be mine. If someone had told me several years ago that I could be this happy I'd have thought they were kidding. Love and happiness like this was the stuff of dreams, or so I thought. I'm here today to say it's more than a dream, more than a fantasy. I have been richly blessed and I am now living the life I never even dared to imagine.
Tomorrow we get the keys to our first home together. What a wonderful Thanksgiving indeed this will be.

Why share so much?

I've had someone ask why I share so much of the private things in my life, those things that hurt and are yes, embarrassing.
I share these things, not for any kind of recognition, or pity party or anything other than the hope that someone else can glean hope and gain freedom from the pain that has surrounded them.

Losing the Pain

Gaining victory over the pain and discovering harmony.

I’m sure that there are some who think, “There are just some things a person cannot get over. Some things you simply cannot forgive.” I’m saying that yes, we can get past even those things and learn to have harmony in our lives. I’m sure some are thinking, “You don’t know what happened to me, what someone did to me. I just cannot forgive that!” My answer to that is yes, even and especially those things have to be sorted and forgiveness has to be given to them and to yourself or you can never have the freedom to be happy ever again.

Now I’m sure that you are thinking, OK what if someone raped me, how can I forgive them? My response is you can forgive if you want to be able to live and love. How do I know? I’ve lived through it more than once and I’m telling you that you choose to either hold onto the pain and guilt or let it go. Now let’s just say for a moment that I decide to hate those who hurt me. Does the person hurt because I hate them? Not at all! Who does it hurt and destroy? ME.

It is a fact that bitterness and hatred held inside can not only cause pain but can also begin to break down the body and cause illnesses. It’s certain that the health that I’ve found myself in the last many years of my life were largely due to the internalizing of pain and the attempts at coping I’d done throughout my whole life.

As a child, my folks had some friends that they used to go play cards with. I’m guessing I was about 9 when all this happened. Now we had me and at least 2 of my younger brothers and the other family had a young girl also named Karen and she had two teen or nearly teen brothers. Once the adults were busy playing cards they had us kids play in Karen’s toy room. But I wasn’t left to play with the younger kids, unfortunately. Those teen boys decided I was fair game for something beyond my childish comprehension. I cannot remember most of what happened thank goodness. I do know that one would entertain himself while the other stood watch at the door. I’m not sure what they told me but it was deeply imprinted that I shouldn’t talk of what had happened. This was not by far a one time thing either. Every time the folks went there I was abused.

One time that family even came to our house and before it was all said and done the boys had taken me to the barn and abused me there too. That must have broken down something in my mind and in my heart because I remember having a series of vivid out of body experiences. I remember going in the house and sitting alone while the rest were all outside. I sat in front of the TV watching some cartoons. Then it was as if I were outside my body and floating up to the top corner opposite the one the TV was in. I remember looking down and seeing myself sitting there and feeling like I didn’t want to go back down to my body. I wanted to keep going up and away and never go back in there, only the ceiling had stopped me.

I’ve pondered upon that for many years and I feel that when that abuse happened to me there at home then I felt like I no longer had any safe place. I never remember making a conscious decision to do so, but it seems that not too long after that I began to put on weight. I can only surmise that since I was now afraid of boys that I wanted to hide as best I could and to derive comfort from food and insulate myself with a cushion of fat was a way to avoid the attention I never wanted again. Those habits began and I still battle those habits today. When I get upset I literally ache and if I eat then those aches lessen.

I’m working to try and retrain my mind and body to stop those cycles and to eat healthier things. I’ve also been working to pull those shards of pain out of the depths of my heart and discard them. At one point in my life I thought of hunting those boys down and confronting them. One part of me screamed that I needed closure and I needed to vent that anger and pain that their thoughtless and careless actions cause so long ago. The other part of me asked, to what gain?

What good would it have done me really to have hunted them down? The logical side of my brain figured that their stunts were part of their growing up. Was it right NO! But did they mean to hurt me, I doubt that. If I had hunted them down and they were now married and had children, if I had confronted them and tried to press charges for example, not only the men who had done the deeds would have been hurt but also the families they had now. It was more for the sake of those families that I didn’t follow through. I couldn’t bear to hurt others as I had been hurt.

I had to make the decision in my heart to give it up, to forgive those old trespasses against me because it was only slowly killing me and no one else.[I found out recently that my folks had never had any idea of what had happened to me.]

I sometimes wonder if there was a victim sign imprinted upon my forehead because several times as an adult I also had unwanted advances even then. Maybe part of the guilt from what happened as a child made me feel I couldn’t scream no. I’m not sure but I do know that I’ve had to not only forgive those others but most of all I had to learn to forgive me. Now I never asked for any of those attacks yet somehow I always had a sense of guilt. I guess in a way I always hated myself for being weak or for even being desirable.

This is a work in progress within me and I’m daily making changes for the better. Oh never doubt it’s tough work and some days it’s one step forward and two steps back. I’ve always had very deep roots of faith in my life but even with that, it was the acceptance of my friends over the years that helped me see myself in a different light and gain so much ground in this healing progress. Sometimes life can simply knock our vision of ourselves totally flat and we have to see through the eyes of others to see what worth we do have. I’ve made the most progress in this healing in the last year due to the constant acceptance and building up given by my dearest friend, Ed.

Some Visual Harmony

The Pictures displayed here are some of the artwork I've been doing lately.

Most are photos of flowers with effects and backgrounds. The one with pink roses and blue butterfly was actually two pictures, with the butterfly cut from one and added here.

The last few are totally original artwork.

Discord Pt. 2

More about sorting one’s pain inside

There is someone I know that can never sort the old things in their life. From the time they were small and lived in a broken home and then got passed around from one relative to another, they never learned to cope with the pain and traumatic things in their life. Oh they were taught to remember the pain to be angry, to lash out at others and get even. But the deepest pain in their lives was often buried like that thorn to lay and fester through a whole life.

As the years went by, those thorns grew up scar tissue around them creating more and more pain. There also became denial in the form of “Oh that’s ok I’m over it.” Or “I’ll just not think of it anymore.” In fact those things never ever go away but build into layer after layer of pain that is so long denied that it becomes second nature. Although the person tells themselves they are happy, they constantly seek something, anything to make that inner longing go away. Early in their teens it came in the form of drugs, and cigarettes and in later years alcohol abuse. The uses of these substances were so long established and accepted in the circle of friends and family this person kept, that the fact that it was harmful to themselves or others was something that simply didn’t register.

As life’s pain built up and the hurts this person had accumulated built up, it caused them to wall off chunks of their heart. As relationship after relationship failed, they never looked inward; never seeing that the walls they built to block new pain was also keeping in the pain they sought to block. More and more they retreated into the habits that soothed their troubled heart. More and more they viewed life that everyone else was out to hurt them and they themselves were ok.

It never occurred to this person that the new relationships they started in their life were poisoned from the start. The people in the new relationships never knew until too late that there was this avalanche of pain and a fortress of ice around the person’s true heart. The love this person professed would be so watered down and delusional that those who chose to love this person would eventually be starved out of their life, to the bewilderment of the person. It seemed to them that it was just others rejecting them, always someone else out to hurt them. Again it never donned on them to look inside.

Even when the latest relationship broke down, more lives broken, that they were confronted about the old pain and the need to dig it all up and cope with it once and for all; this person reacted with scorn and replied, “What are you now, a shrink?”

Oh the sadness and pain we could all eliminate from our lives if we simply sort out those things in ourselves and face them head on. I’ll freely admit that I’m learning to do exactly that with the hurts in my life. I’m finding daily that more and more splinters are working out of the core of my heart; those things that have been long denied and have to come out bits at a time. It’s almost like those oldest things are like shattered glass. When viewed in a certain light it seems all to have been swept away. But upon looking at things from a different angle we see shards and can remove them. Sometimes we cannot see them at all but a bump from something else lets us know that that glass is stuck in the symbolic finger of our minds and hearts and has to be carefully removed by the tweezers of gentle introspection.

I don’t claim to know it all or have it all down pat. FAR FROM IT! I simply have seen firsthand the pain from keeping things buried inside and vow to do my best never to do so again.

Discord Pt. 1

Did you ever have something happen to you in your life that was so horrid, so hurtful or shameful that you were afraid to tell anyone? So instead of talking to anyone you bury that thing deep inside. Anytime the thoughts of it come up, you run from them. Deep inside the pain grows from that “thorn” being buried there. So you turn to other things seeking to alleviate that pain. For each of us it’s a different thing, some use alcohol, some drugs, some sex, some food, some use online relationships. Some turn to work, some retreat inward, some become bullies and others just give up. Your life is in total discord.
For some there are a series of thorns that happen in our lives. Anytime we happen to bump those old wounds, we hit the nerve buried under that ole thorn and the pain begins anew. There are times when we may say ok, I have to get over that; and we pull that old thing up and finally talk about it and think ok, I’m free from it. Well the thing is, sometimes even if we manage to get the thorn out, we have built up “scar tissue” from where the thorn resided for so long. Those scars, manifested as thought and behavior patterns are not so easily swept away. It takes time and much diligence to change what has been so long established.
One thing I’ll use as an example of a thorn in my life was the loss of my second child through a miscarriage. Now to some who are already thinking oh big deal, it wasn’t a baby. To those people I’d say, it’s just that type mentality that gave me my thorn.
Let me explain some things about me…
I had, as I mentioned in an earlier blog, never dated other than a couple times. I ended up the church babysitter caring for the babies of all the staff members that came and; loved each child as if it were my own only to be brokenhearted when they moved away taking bits of my heart each time.
I saw my friends all getting married and having families of their own. Yes, I was genuinely happy for them, but more broken inside each time as the loneliness grew more and more intense. As I neared my thirtieth birthday that ache deep inside became almost more than I could bear.
At work one night a man asked to take me out. He was very obviously under the influence of alcohol and I laughed and said he wouldn’t even remember asking the next day. Well he returned the next day and asked again, sober this time. Two days later we did meet and as I followed him and his mother to the campground that they lived at, I had a war going on in my mind. One part of me was saying ‘what kind of family LIVES in a campground?’ and ‘You have no idea who and what kind of people these folks are! How do you know you won’t end up in a side ditch tomorrow?’ the other part of me simply said, ‘I cannot bear to be alone anymore, I have to try something, even if I die trying.’
That was the beginning of the life I lived for far too close to twenty years. In that time we got married and had a beautiful daughter. She is a special needs child that has had many health and development problems. At times she has had so much going on that it has been a challenge yet she has given more love than I have words to express. I’d never ever wish those years totally away because of her. We were originally told she was brain damaged and would never walk or talk but simply be a vegetable all her life. We were also told never to have children again.
When she was 4 is when I found I was pregnant again. The pregnancy was a surprise yet I was ecstatic although concerned. At about 3 months I was put to bed with complications. I had been ordered to bed for two months prior to the first child’s birth. Now let me tell you, I rejoiced in each pregnancy. I had long wanted children of my own. I talked to those babies and sang to them while I carried them inside me. Some might think it odd but as I lay and rested I also rocked gently as I sang and talked. Is it any wonder that my daughter is so deeply touched my music? I think not! I believe she heard and gained her love of music even while I rocked and sang to her inside my womb.
Nearing the end of my fifth month I lost that second baby. It broke my heart. Just the medical part was traumatic enough. Because I didn’t deliver the baby on my own, I had to have a DNC and even the paperwork had ‘missed abortion’ written all over it. That ripped even deeper at my heart. I had some people offer condolences but few. My husband at that time, [thankfully my ex now] refused to speak of it and if I cried when he was around he simply left. His mother basically just told me to get over it. I’d never held it so it wasn’t a real baby. I couldn’t cry around my daughter because she would always get so upset.
So I learned to deal in my own way. I put a notice in the paper remembering “BJ” as I called the baby. I talked to others over the years that lost babies. I used the pain to help others thinking that it was enough. I also found I couldn’t hold or be around babies for many years. I will also admit to something that horrified me about myself in those years. I had some family members that lost several babies and as we got reports of those losses yes, I was broken hearted for them, but as the grandfather of those babies made little coffins for them and they had funerals, part of my grieving mind was jealous. I wondered if I was insane to be jealous of such a thing. I realize now that it was the closure that those families were given. Nobody would tell them to get over it; nobody would tell them don’t talk about it, or don’t cry.
In September of last year for the first time, I was encouraged to open up and talk about that loss and allowed to cry it out for the first time thus pulling out the thorn. Then the man, who is the best friend I ever had in my life as well as my soul mate, gifted me with something that became the healing balm. He held a little memorial celebration commemorating that little life as well as the lives of others we had lost. It was the key to unlocking the grief that I had so long buried.
I have to wonder if it wasn’t also the turning point in the lessening of pain for him as well. He had lost someone, a love that had been lost to cancer several years ago. The anniversary of that loss has just passed and miraculously it was not a day of mourning for him, for the first time. I’m so glad.
For me, it was the pulling out of those splinters and allowing the grief to come as well as turning that pain into celebrating that allowed the healing to happen.
There are many old splinters and scars that I have been working on in my life. It’s not an easy or painless process and if not for the love and support of my dearest friend I’m not sure how far I’d have gotten. He not only encourages me but teaches me of the ways he has removed the thorns in his own life. With every day I have to be more thankful and appreciative of the man he is and the dear friend he has become.
Thank you Ed, I love you dearly.

First time to sing.

It was back when I was in sixth grade, for the Christmas program. Now we all have been to those grade school programs where the class all stands there singing song after song. Occasionally there are a couple kids picked out to sing a part of a song and they feel important. Yet in my years of life since, I’ve never seen grade school kids picked out to do a trio, yet that is exactly what I was chosen to be part of.

I remember the excitement and the song, its lyrics and melody branded into my mind still today. I cannot say for sure that we did harmony, but knowing me I’m sure I tried. I cannot even remember who else sang with me, although I do remember that Mrs. Showalter was the music teacher. I also remember that I got to wear green hose, my first time wearing such grown up things. Now I’m not talking about those new things we have now days, but those thigh high kind held up with those elastic and metal torture chamber things .[you know a garter belt thingie] Think I’m joking about torture chamber? Then you never got flipped by one of them. Reminds me of a line from a movie “you’re gonna shoot your eye out!”

I remember the crowed gathered into the old town hall, a building that has been gone so many years now. Those old wooden chairs all painted green. The curtain being raised and standing among the lights. I remember the fear standing there but I did sing. It’s one of those bright moments that I remember my folks being proud of me.

I got adventurous a couple years ago and recorded that song in 3 part harmony a cappella and got to put it on a CD.

http://cdbaby.com/cd/karenbyrd on left side of that page about half way down there are links to hear the music. “Sending you my love for Christmas” was that song I learned so long ago.

Learning My Harmony

A.N. This was posted as a response to another blog today but fits all too well here, so I include it.

As you know, there are mountains in our lives that sometimes overwhelm and bury us. It can be mountains of Pain from abuse, the self imposed [albeit unknowingly at first]prison of guilt or doubts about yourself. Sometimes that prison can hold us for years. It takes a time of becoming angry with your life and determining to make the changes, beginning inside ourselves first.

I was in that pit of doubt and despair for far too many years, imprisoned in a life that was unbearable. I'd made bad choices and lived shackled with depression and guilt coupled with negative self esteem from earlier abuse and programming. That gorge I found myself in nearly became my grave.
I have had to battle in the last few years to undo those old chains that bound me. I've learned to love myself and yes it's still an ongoing process. I learned to even begin to "Proclaim my mighty Yawp."

The last year has been the best of my life because I not only grew and climbed farther out of that pit I'd been in most of my life, but I also discovered joy that I'd never dreamed of.
This joy began as unconditional love and acceptance from someone else and taught me to see those things inside myself I'd never seen, or felt was wrong of me to notice. Yes that's how bad I was programmed. To brag on myself at all was considered a negative thing in the past.

Today I have a brighter future a much more positive outlook and I've become a much stronger happier me. I owe a lot of the credit for that progress to my dear Ed and the teaching he has done as well as the wonderful love and acceptance he gives. True I'd begun the journey before being reunited with him, but his insight helped me grow so much.

For his positive attitude and teaching me to appreciate and proclaim who I am, I thank him from the very bottom of my heart.

I dedicate this post and my blog to my sweetheart, Ed.

Harmony, in life and in song.

I believe it was the Chinese that spoke of Chi or harmony in one's life. That for one's existence to be balanced and happy one has to be in harmony inside themselves as well as with their world.
I totally agree that harmony is only achieved when we look deep inside ourselves and tune the parts that only we can see.

Sometimes those parts deep inside become too painful to see, based on old hurts. These hurts caused by abuses, [intended or not] coming from words, deeds or even attitudes of others. Sometimes it is those put downs we hear, that cause or add to lack of self esteem. These are but a few examples of those inner places that can cause discord in our lives.

I guess it's obvious that I have an affinity for music. To put it mildly, music has long been my passion. It is the one thing that during my growing up years that I got any little bit of positive feed back from. Now I always loved reading and eating and sleeping. Those things all became the ways I escaped from the things that hurt me.

I was never taught coping skills and as more and more hurts piled up in my young life I retreated more and more. I often found myself feeling totally alone even in a group of friends not that I was popular or sought after. I never dated really and I lived in the middle of nowhere so even just hanging out with people my own age was not easy. I ended up being more and more isolated.
As I continue this blog, I'll go more and more into the changes that I've had to make in my life.